Fried chicken is so good. I mean, it’s fatty, fried, and the fat just builds up around your heart. It’s not healthy for you at all. No nutritional value, but it tastes so good. It’s like sin. It’s not healthy for you, matter of fact, it’ll kill you. But it tastes good. So leave sin alone, but eat chicken.

To the drunks, the addicts, the perverts, the victims, the porn stars, the prostitutes, the adulterers, theives, the obese gluttons who think a waste is a terrible thing to mind, the Twilight fans, the murderers, the mommy’s boys, the losers, the freaks, the geeks, people who think wrestling is real, red necks, guys who own action figures, chain smokers, everyone who does not use a turn signal while texting and talking on the phone in their car, men who live with their mothers, women who get paid in dollar bills, dudes in dresses (seen it at Mars Hill), democrats, republicans, the guys at the gym who walk around the locker room naked singing Bon Jovi’s Living on a Prayer, mormons and anyone else who wears sacred under breeches, whoever is responsible for the creation and ongoing sale of men’s Lycra biking shorts… yoga instructors, witches, pot heads, meat heads, crack heads, dead heads and meth heads… people who don’t recycle, the rainbow-loving tree-hugging … lefters, and religious people who do not know what I am talking about because these subjects were not on The Little House on the Prairie or covered in their Home School co-op — I have good news for you: Jesus loves you. You’ll fit right in. And because He died for your sins, you get to repent.